On Queer Men of Color and Racial Preferences: “You’re a self-hating Negro.”

Prior to coming out, it never *really* occurred to me how much race plays a role in attraction. It’s also strange to consider how naive I was about that when I consider the fact that I didn’t used to be attracted to black men, and that I used to think I was unattractive because I was black and dark-skinned. White supremacy is a helluva drug, y’all.

The moment it all came together and crashing down for me was when I had my first conversation about race and attraction. I was in a group with a few other people of color, and we were sealing and stamping letters that needed to be sent to schools about a queer-affirming group for high school students. I don’t remember how we got onto the topic of who I was or wasn’t attracted to, but I was asked one of the most pivotal questions I’ve ever been asked: “Who do you find attractive? And is race important?”

I answered, “I’m not really attracted to black guys, but I’m open to dating anyone else.”

There was a bit of back and forth between me, an (also black) acquaintance that took my side, and two other people who were telling me how wrong I was before one of them said offhandedly, “You’re a self-hating Negro.”

The other one nodded in agreement.

We managed to get off the topic, but the pain and anger of being called “a self-hating Negro” wasn’t something I could shake (and I don’t think I’ve shaken it at all, if I’m being honest). It was after that moment that I decided to embark on the long and necessary quest of decolonizing my desires (not that I knew that’s what it was at the time).

I learned a lot about how and why I desired white people and white-passing people of color so much. I discovered that that desire was one of the root causes of why I used to wish I could be white or at least lighter-skinned, and the many years I spent hating myself for being neither of those things. I meditated on all the instances where I’d instantly find someone attractive because they were anything but black, and the racist reasons I used to justify my non-attraction to black men.

Even to this day I still actively remain conscious of my desires, and challenge myself if it’s for problematic reasons.

And because I’ve been down this road, I’m a militant advocate for helping people of color decolonize their desires as well. Too many of us ignore this, or don’t know where to begin, or think that attraction can’t be affected by white supremacy and racism. Too many of us don’t find our own races attractive, and don’t find ourselves attractive because we belong to the racial group that we do/because we aren’t white or light-skinned. Too many of us justify our attraction to people outside of our racial groups, especially our attraction to white people, with racist reasons.

It’s not an easy task to take on-decolonizing one’s desires-but it’s and underrated and necessary journey for people of color to go on because we live in a world that prioritizes whiteness and forces us to adhere to racist, Euro-centric, white supremacist beauty standards. And the devastating effects it has on our self-esteem and ideas of beauty should be talked about.

Originally published at https://medium.com on February 9, 2018.