22
Who would you have been at this age?
I keep coming back to “Hello Cold World” by Paramore whenever I think of the age 22, and particularly these lines:
22 is like the worst idea that I’ve ever had
It’s too much pain, it’s too much freedom, what should I do with this?
I don’t remember who I was when I was 22 or what my life was like; however, I would bet my Black ass that the aforementioned lines from that song perfectly describe the angst I carried when I was 22.
And it makes me wonder who you would be if you had survived a few more months to turn 22.
I’m still having a hard time accepting that you’re not alive — literally every time the fact that you’re not alive creeps into my mind it causes this odd break in my reality, and I immediately start thinking about something else because I can’t handle your absence — and I keep telling myself that I have to accept that it’ll be a while before I see you again; however, I can’t even accept that either.
It’s unrealistic that you’re not alive; however, because it’s comforting I do still believe you’re here watching over me, your mom, your brother, Alex, and Gwen (annoying as she may be) because that’s always been your nature — to fiercely protect and watch over the ones you love, and lord knows I need the kind of love and protection you’ve always offered me.
Anyway, you’re 22 years old and you were eons ahead of me when I was your age. Of that I can be certain. I was still trying to find some footing in this hectic plane we call reality meanwhile you were this super mature incredible being whose love and kindness could be felt in their tweets. That’s still something I’m learning to do because connecting with people has always been a struggle for me, and that’s something that always came so naturally to you.
I think a lot about who you’d be and what you’d be doing if you were here with me today. I know you’d be so creating more incredible art. I think, maybe selfishly, that you’d be happier and that the cats you had to re-home would be comforting you in your time of need. I know your roommates would be there to help carry you. I’d tell you I love you so much more often. And I know your mom would be softer with you because even though she struggled to be more present for and softer with you despite being incredibly present for and softer with you since you were born and intentionally made an effort to do and be better for you, she wishes she could’ve done more for you. And I wish the same.
Since you aren’t here, though, I’m going to try and honor your life by being as gentle, kind, compassionate, empathetic, and understanding towards the people in my life and the people who support me in the same way that you were to those in your life.
You’re one of my biggest inspirations.
With all that said, happy 22nd birthday, Delly.
I love you.
I miss you.
I will never let a day go by without carrying you with me.
I hope you’re resting in peace, and that whoever you are reincarnated as has the live and love I couldn’t fully offer you in this life.
And thank you for always loving me even when I didn’t love myself.
